The closest thing to a 'Twilight' review that I am ever going to write.

(A publicity photo from the CW's newest hit show, Vampire High.)

1) If, in a later film or book, we find out that like witches, all vampires were made out of wood, that could go a long way towards justifying Robert Pattinson's performance. Kristen Stewart, on the other hand, has no excuse.

2) This seems less like a movie and more like a two-hour pilot for a brand new series on the CW.

3) There is a nasty habit in this film of telling the viewer almost everything about the characters, their supernatural abilites, etc., all while showing us very little.

4) Mike's right, the vampire's dad does look an awful lot like the love child of Tom Cruise and Eric Bana -- if such a thing were possible, that is.

5) This movie is constantly telling us that these characters are SO SEXY, which makes for a very un-sexy movie if you ask me.

6) Someone should have told the movie's vampires that just because your character is supernatural doesn't mean you should act unnatural.

7) These vampires sure are putting a lot of their faith in the secret-keeping abilities of a teenage girl. Not too wise if you ask me.

8) And the award for Worst Visual Effects in a Highly-Awaited Motion Picture goes to.... Seriously, folks. Why did they cheap-out on the vfx? It's not like they spent a ton of money on their no-name cast and obviously Canadian location shoot. At the very least they could have given us something that didn't look like it belongs in a Sci-Fi Channel original movie.

9) Edward the vampire stalks Bella through the night and enjoys watching her sleep. How is this not creepy? To think of all the anti-social behavior this is going to validate for teens. And if you traded Edward the vampire for Crumby the school janitor, we'd be talking about some serious jail time.

10) When Edward Cullen said, "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin," I said, "Man, these guys talk exactly like all the douchebags I used to know in high school."

11) So let's get this straight, when the sunlight hits a vampire's skin, their skin turns into diamonds? If that was the case, why didn't these guys simply move to a more urban neighborhood? That way, instead of hiding this trait from the public, they could flaunt it while shouting, "We covered in ice, yo! We twinkle and glisten!" I'm sure the B-boy vampire would have no problem with that.

12) In terms of being a movie about vampires, this movie isn't even a pimple on the ass of Let The Right One In.

13) Yes, her movie sucks, but to her credit, Catherine Hardwicke directs better action scenes than Marc Forster does.

14) The movie grows completely disinterested with its human characters as well as a human-like characteristics of its non-human characters.

15) Someone should contact the Nobel Prize people about giving an award to the teacher who taught the mentally retarded people who wrote this film and book how to type. Sure, the end result was way less than satisfying, but with the level of accomplishment these poor retards felt when they were done banging this thing out, I really believe their teachers should be commended.

16) To anyone who ever claimed the Harry Potter books and films were artless, I give you the Twilight series. Sure, J. K. Rowling is not exactly a Salinger or Joyce, but at least she knows a thing or two about telling a story, and the writers and directors who have handled her work have all done a better job than the people who made Twilight. Yes, that even goes for Chris Columbus.


(This is who the movie was made for. If you are not one of these and still liked the movie anyway, I pity you. I really, really do.)